The Remains of a Poet

Take the first post from every month this year, and then take the first sentence of said post.  Arrange them in order (i.e. Jan, Feb, Mar, etc.), and that is how your year went.  Afterwards, describe if it was accurate or not.

So today I achieved one of my life ambitions and passed out. I have decided that my new pet peeve is people who think Texas is always hot. I am so, so sick of not understanding school. I OFFICIALLY HATE RUSSEL T. DAVIES! Am currently sitting in a uni computer lab. Dear Disney, Do you hear that? Words cannot express how happy I am that The Tales of Beedle the Bard is being published for the public!!! So I've been at school four days ... and the panic's come. It would not be a lie to say that my roommate has the coolest car on campus. Can we just talk about how adorable David Mitchell and Robert Webb are? "A Married State" by Katherine Philips. So I spent Thanksgiving with Kira and her family, and you know what?

This is actually a surprisingly accurate representation of my year, especially through May.  I tend to use rhetorical questions a lot, it seems, and am probably way too invested in British television.  Ah well.

Today as I was coming back from town, I passed these five Jr. High-ish girls, and one of them was pushing a stroller.  In the stroller was not a small child nor a puppy nor any other living creature.  No, in the stroller was a stereo so they could listen to music while they walked around.  Not even joking.  That was the whole point of the stroller.  To which the only possible response is: LOLWHUT?

Also, earlier, I was in M&S buying cookies for my uncle, but I was also buying - er - certain Doctor Who-related items, and the cashier asked me, "Oh, who's the Doctor Who fan?"  I would like to make it very clear that at the time I was wearing the sweatshirt my sister gave me for Christmas -- AKA The Greatest Sweatshirt Ever Made -- which says on the back, "The angels have the phonebox", which is a line from the Doctor Who episode 'Blink'.  This also means I had a picture of a TARDIS plastered over my left boob.  Obviously the Doctor Who fan is me!  But, amusingly in my opinion, I was so taken aback by the question that I answered, "Oh, my sister," without thinking.  And, I mean, she is the person I was buying the stuff for, so it was true, but the saleslady gave me a weird look when I said it, so maybe she noticed the TARDIS splashed across my chest after all.

I'm so over exams.  I had my History exam yesterday morning ... and I failed.  Like, literally failed.  Because we had to answer two questions, and I didn't know anything about the second question at all, so I was like, "Well, I could just not answer and be blatant about the fact that I have no clue, or I could B.S. a couple paragraphs and it will still be obvious that I have no clue.  With option one I can leave the exam half-an-hour early."  So I just left the second part totally blank.  I can't even bring myself to care that much.  At least it's over.

I have Philosophy tomorrow, which I'm not overly concerned about because if I have what I think I have in the class then I can bomb the exam and still pass.  I shouldn't bomb it, though, because unlike in History, I actually know what's going on.  I've given my notes a cursory glance over, and now I'm going to give The Sarah Jane Adventures a try.  This is my study method.  Glance over, then relax.  I've never hardcore studied in my life.  I don't know how, and it doesn't work for me anyway.  I think I'm just that kind of person where I either know it or I don't.

Friday I have Sociology.  The good thing about Sociology is that I will only have to answer one question instead of two (unlike History and Philosophy).  I've got a pretty good handle on Sexuality, and I know Crime a bit, so I should be able to answer at least one of those questions, and again scrape a pass.  All I care about is passing, since this doesn't go on my GPA anyway.  I've worked out how to make up History online if I flunk, though obviously I hope it doesn't come to that.  But yeah, I'm just want this week to be over so I can relax and enjoy the rest of my time here.  I still need to go up to Edinburgh and scout out Tom Riddle's grave!

Also, I'm very annoyed that Doctor Who has been switched to a later time, as well as I'd Do Anything.  But I'm glad that Ashley has finally been sent home!  If Andrew had chosen to save her, I would have been very upset with him!  Oh, but I'm also annoyed that the finale of I'd Do Anything is 1 June, the day after I leave!  Seriously, what up with that?

I just put on Rainbows for the first time in nearly three months.

It feels glorious!

ETA: I walked to the mall in my Rainbows this afternoon. I now have a blister on my big toe. I am not happy.

In high school, I didn't really have friends.  I mean, I had friends in the sense that there was a group of certain people that I always sat with in class and at lunch and hung out with at school events.  But I didn't do stuff with them outside school; in the summer I never saw any of them, so in the summer I effectively didn't have friends.  It would be a lie to say this didn't bother me, but by high school I was too used to being on my own most of the time to be overly fussed about it.  In fact, in high school I actually had more of a life then I'd ever had before, so even though it bothered me that no one ever invited me to the weekend gatherings, it wasn't like I felt like I'd suddenly become a reject (and I wasn't a reject, just forgettable; there is a difference).

Probably the biggest adjustment I had to make in college was having friends.  I mean, it was very bizarre for me to suddenly have people outside my immediate family actually genuinely care if I was sick or sad or didn't turn up for dinner.  It was weird for me to have people come into my room and ask if I wanted to do something that weekend, and even weirder when they seemed genuinely disappointed if I said I was going home.  Even more bizarre: I wasn't the forgettable one anymore.  There actually is a forgettable girl in my group of friends, and I can never get over how it's not me.  Over the summer these girls called me, planned a trip with me, and pestered me if I didn't update them about what was going on in my life.  It was all very new and weird for me (in a good way), and I honestly don't have any idea how it happened because a huge reason I didn't have friends previously is because I don't know how to make them.

That brings me to my point: I don't have friends here in Scotland.  I actually have friends to a lesser degree here than I did in high school.  I mean, the classes are all so huge that it's basically impossible to have "class friends"; and while my flatmates are all nice and I get along with them, hanging out with them is awkward, and I don't really interact with them beyond the occasional friendly greeting in the corridor.  Basically, it's like high school all over again, minus the chats at lunch and the in-class banter, and also minus my mom bugging me to get off the computer when I'm home.

This doesn't really bother me.  Do I wish I had friends here?  Yes, of course.  Am I miserable because I don't?  Far from it.  I couldn't take more than a semester here for a variety of reasons, the biggest of which is not the lack of friends.  That said, I don't regret my decision to come here this semester, and in some senses I'm less miserable here than I am at my home university (certainly in the sense that here I don't cry myself to sleep every night (or any night, for that matter)).  I only have one problem:

I don't know how to explain any of this to my friends from home.  I've basically given them general, evasive, and I'll admit misleading updates about my time here because I don't know how to tell them that a.) I don't have friends here, and b.) that's okay.  I'm used to being on my own, and in some senses I prefer it (and it's probably where I get the attitude my friends have told me they both hate and admire so much: No one who's not an authority figure in my life is going to tell me what to do!).  It's not like it wouldn't be nice to friends here, but I don't require friends.  I can get by on my own.

Normally, I wouldn't even worry about it, I'd just keep giving them the misleading updates over the next two months and avoid giving them specifics when I see them in August -- hey, it worked all summer! -- but I've encountered a huge problem.  One of my friends is coming to visit me here next month.  And yes, I've basically led her to believe that I have friends here.  And I don't.  Crap.  Because what am I supposed to do now, go find friends the last two weeks of classes?  How's that going to work?  But I don't know how to tell her that I don't actually have friends here because this is the one girl who is still in close contact with her high school friends (even my friends who had real friends in high school don't really talk to them anymore); this is the one girl who I know will never understand that it's okay for me not to have friends.  I don't even know what to do because I'll never be able to explain it to her but it's not like I can go get fake friends to show her, you know?  And honestly, I'm tired of having to lie about not having friends.  I just wish I could level with someone in real life, you know?

I never ever thought I would miss the MLA format!  But that was before there was ... no format at all.  Just the lovely advice, "You will be marked down for poor presentation."

At least with MLA there is a right way!  At least with MLA you can grab your Wadsworth Handbook and make sure you're not doing it wrong.  How can you know if you're doing it wrong if there's no way to do it right?  I don't understand this school system at all!  Everyone only takes one subject, and class is optional, and there are no set texts, and there's no set essay format!  How do people ever graduate here?  How do you know what to change your major to if you don't have to take GEs?  How do you ever get the motivation to go to class if attendence isn't mandatory?  How do you know what to study for the tests if there's no set text?  How do you know how to format your essay if there are no set guidelines on how to format your essay?

I mean, I wouldn't care if they used APA or some other format I've never even heard of as long as there actually was a format.  Because it's not just about how wide to make the margins or how to format the header or if there should even be a header or what font I should put it in.  It's like, there's no set way to cite things; there's no set way to format a bibliography.  THERE IS NOTHING!  Just, "You will be marked down for improper citation."  How is there improper citation if there is no proper citation?  What the hell is wrong with this university?

I never thought I'd miss America so much...