The Remains of a Poet

 So I started reading xlormp last month, which is unquestionably brilliant and proves just how incredibly dull and stupid and poorly written Twilight is while being several million times more entertaining than the actual book upon which it is based (the book written with words, printed on paper, and bound together with ... book binding stuff [read xlormp  and you'll understand]).  Anyway, today the first chapter of the New Moon parody was posted.  I've never read New Moon, because Twilight was so boring and unintriguing and pointless and predictable and stupid, and so little actually ever happened in it, that I actually had negative desire to find out what, if indeed anything, happened to bitchy Bella and eerie Edward next.  But the first chapter of the xlormp  version of New Moon is so funny, it actually kind of did make me want to read the original, just so I could laugh at the stupidity some more.  So I downloaded the first part of the New Moon audiobook this afternoon.

That was a mistake.  An hour and a half later, I finally came to my senses and turned it off.  Seriously, for being so stupid and boring, those books are scarily addictive. (I have to say, I did love when Bella said something like, "I'm not very interesting."  I was like, "Oh, sweetie, I couldn't agree more!")  I suspect the tallybonkers are behind it, to be honest.  Maybe the brains of idiots taste better.  I mean, they were after Frig. (Seriously, just read xlormp  already!)

But seriously, Edward and Bella are ridiculous!  I loved when Edward was going on and on for way too long to properly hold my attention (learn some pacing, Stephanie, seriously!) about how he went all suicidal back in the first book, and Bella freaked out, and he said something like, "Well I wasn't going to live without you," and then rolled his eyes or something.  Umm, okay, you creepy idiot!  Sorry I didn't realize how stupid it is to not let my entire life be defined and wrapped up in another person. (But actually, if you ever do reconsider the suicide thing, I'm more than happy to assist you.  Just throwing that out there.) And then Bella angsted forever about how much she hates gifts and the fact that people, you know, actually love and care about her and want to celebrate her life.  Wow, I never realized before how much being cared about sucks!  Thank god I have Twilight to put my life into proper perspective!

[Now if you excuse me, I'm going to go slit my wrists and paint black tears on my cheeks.  I just realized I have too many friends and, indeed, birthday and Christmas gifts from said friends, to be properly happy with my life.]

Okay girls, we need to talk. I am becoming increasingly concerned about your taste in men. It has been well over a year since The Phantom of the Opera hit theatres, exposing Andrew Lloyd Webber’s genius to millions of the uncouth, and thus soiling it forever. And yet the obsessive love for the Phantom has not died! This in itself would be disturbing enough. But I am, as you all know, active in the Harry Potter fan base; and the number of girls who profess undying love for Draco Malfoy and/or think that Snape is not only good, but would actually make an ideal mate, is really quite alarming. Now please understand, it is one thing to find an actor portraying one of these characters attractive. It is quite another to sigh for the character himself. Allow me to explain by examining these characters one by one.

The Phantom – Okay, seriously. Do I even need to explain why he is so disturbing? One of my everlasting frustrations with Christine is that she somehow completely misses the creepiness of a strange, masked man coming into her dressing room through her mirror! And yet, somehow, millions of otherwise seemingly intelligent girls have also missed this creepiness. Girls, listen closely: THE PHANTOM IS PSYCHOTIC!  There is nothing, nothing remotely attractive about a man who obsesses over you, kidnaps you, emotionally blackmails you, and is so obsessed with you that “having” you is more important to him than your happiness. Trust me, I know. This is not the sort of relationship you want to be in. If a guy’s entire life is wrapped up in you, be afraid. Be very afraid. And this is all to say nothing of the fact that Erik (the Phantom) is a cold-blooded killer.

Snape – Um… what? Look, whether or not Snape is really good is a matter of opinion. And no, I do not think he will ultimately be the hero of the series, but again, that’s debatable.  But an ideal mate? Oh my fellow females, why, why, why?  As we have all seen, Snape is selfish, self-seeking, bitter, malicious, cruel, and a loner. Not to mention the fact that he has never shown the slightest interest in being any kind of mate to anyone! {insert Snape was/is secretly in love with Lily argument here} All that aside, Snape, like Erik, doesn’t seem to have a problem killing in cold blood. (And don’t give me the crap about how Dumbledore told him to kill him, because that doesn’t make him any less capable of murder. Voldemort told Draco to kill Dumbledore or else he was going to kill Draco’s whole family, and Draco still couldn’t do it. So there you go.)

Draco Malfoy – Draco is essentially the smarter, better-looking, wizarding version of Dudley Dursley. They’re both leaders of gangs with a fondness for bullying anyone smaller than they are, which I think we can all agree are qualities highly desirable in men < /sarcasm>. However intimidating they might appear, however, they’re really both total wimps, particularly when confronted without their gang for support (I can provide quotes upon demand, should anyone wish for them). Yes, I think it was admirable that Draco wanted to protect his parents; no, I do not think that he will ultimately be a hero in the series. The fact that Draco is not a killer doesn’t make him good. A lot of people aren’t killers. The fact that he wanted to protect his parents does not make him any less of a selfish, bullying, wimp. I think it’s safe to say that most people would do the same for their parents. The problem I have with Draco isn’t so much that he’s evil. It’s just that he’s not really a man. And I think nothing short of a miracle will make him anywhere near worthy of any decent sort of girl by the end of book seven.

From these examinations I can only conclude that the modern-day girl wants a man who is controlling, mean, cruel, obsessive, bitter, immature, bullying, rather frightening, and kind of creepy. And frankly, this disturbs me. Granted, these are only a few men girls “squee” over. I know there are plenty of girls who are also “totally in love with” the likes of Aragorn, Harry, Jack Sparrow, etc. However, there are more than enough Erik/Draco/Snape fan-girls out there to give me adequate reason for concern. Perhaps they see something in these characters I do not. But if this is what today’s girl looks for in a guy, then, quite honestly, I fear for the future of mankind.