The Remains of a Poet

I've figured out why I hate Jane Eyre. Or rather, I've figured out why I hate Jane Eyre so much more than my classmates. In fact, I think I've figured out why people think I hate men.

See here's the issue:

I've never liked Cinderella. I mean, I've NEVER liked Cinderella. As in, even as a four-year-old kid I hated it. I hated it because I didn't understand it. I didn't understand why Cinderella was such a doormat. I didn't understand why she let her stepmother enslave her. The only version of the Cinderella story I genuinely like is Ella Enchanted (the book, not the film, obviously) because that actually makes sense.

This is my problem. This has always been my problem. I don't understand how slavery works. As in, I learned about the events leading up to the Civil War back in fifth grade, and I didn't understand why, if there were so many more slaves than plantation owners, the slaves didn't just burn down the owner's house or something.

The same goes for Stockholm and Battered Wife Syndromes. I mean, I'm educated, okay? Intellectually, I understand the psychology behind all of those things. But I still don't get it. I don't think I'll ever get it.

Guilt trips, emotional blackmail, reverse psychology, peer pressure -- they all don't work on me. Not really. It's like, whatever part of the brain it is that causes people to act and react in these twisted ways is disconnected in me. It doesn't work. I just don't get it.

It's like when I was a kid and my parents split up and people would say to me, "You know it's not your fault, right?" And I'd be like, "Duh! Why would it be? I wasn't married to them." And I always felt like kids who did think their parents' divorce was their fault were stupid.

And that's the problem with Jane Eyre. I think she's stupid. The End. Yes, she's starved for love, and yes, Rochester is the first man she's really ever met (who counts, I mean), and yes, she's constricted by her time and class and whatever, I don't care, she's still a MORON! Intellectually, yes, I know why she does the things she does. But I still don't get it. It makes no sense to me.

I cannot comprehend letting someone treat you that way. I cannot comprehend allowing someone to make you feel that way. I literally cannot comprehend it. I just can't wrap my mind around it all. It doesn't make sense to me.

And to people who think this is some backlash from my dad or whatever: Guess what? It's not. Because I've always hated Cinderella. It has nothing to do with being angry or hating men or anything like that. It's just that a part of my brain doesn't work (or a part of my brain actually does?).

And you know what? I'm perfectly okay with that.

 Dear Self,

Congratulations on making it through the week and accomplishing everything you needed to accomplish.

Now you may read your new Torchwood book.

You should listen to me more often,
Your better judgment

 So I started reading xlormp last month, which is unquestionably brilliant and proves just how incredibly dull and stupid and poorly written Twilight is while being several million times more entertaining than the actual book upon which it is based (the book written with words, printed on paper, and bound together with ... book binding stuff [read xlormp  and you'll understand]).  Anyway, today the first chapter of the New Moon parody was posted.  I've never read New Moon, because Twilight was so boring and unintriguing and pointless and predictable and stupid, and so little actually ever happened in it, that I actually had negative desire to find out what, if indeed anything, happened to bitchy Bella and eerie Edward next.  But the first chapter of the xlormp  version of New Moon is so funny, it actually kind of did make me want to read the original, just so I could laugh at the stupidity some more.  So I downloaded the first part of the New Moon audiobook this afternoon.

That was a mistake.  An hour and a half later, I finally came to my senses and turned it off.  Seriously, for being so stupid and boring, those books are scarily addictive. (I have to say, I did love when Bella said something like, "I'm not very interesting."  I was like, "Oh, sweetie, I couldn't agree more!")  I suspect the tallybonkers are behind it, to be honest.  Maybe the brains of idiots taste better.  I mean, they were after Frig. (Seriously, just read xlormp  already!)

But seriously, Edward and Bella are ridiculous!  I loved when Edward was going on and on for way too long to properly hold my attention (learn some pacing, Stephanie, seriously!) about how he went all suicidal back in the first book, and Bella freaked out, and he said something like, "Well I wasn't going to live without you," and then rolled his eyes or something.  Umm, okay, you creepy idiot!  Sorry I didn't realize how stupid it is to not let my entire life be defined and wrapped up in another person. (But actually, if you ever do reconsider the suicide thing, I'm more than happy to assist you.  Just throwing that out there.) And then Bella angsted forever about how much she hates gifts and the fact that people, you know, actually love and care about her and want to celebrate her life.  Wow, I never realized before how much being cared about sucks!  Thank god I have Twilight to put my life into proper perspective!

[Now if you excuse me, I'm going to go slit my wrists and paint black tears on my cheeks.  I just realized I have too many friends and, indeed, birthday and Christmas gifts from said friends, to be properly happy with my life.]

So I just finished Part 1 of the Twilight audiobook.  I've been listening to it for almost six hours straight, which is ... kind of frightening, actually.  I just got inexplicably sucked in.  I thought the slightly annoying narrator would help with that, but it wasn't enough.  I'm not sure what chapter I'm on anymore because I didn't take notes today, but I will say that in the 7 1/2 hours of Part 1, nothing happens.  That is why me getting sucked in is so frightening.  I couldn't stop listening, and then it ended and I realised that nothing had happened at all.  I mean, obviously stuff happened: Edward "came out" as it were; Bella's blood smelled nice; Bella and Edward angsted.  But from a narrative point of view, nothing happened.  I am halfway through the book, and now that I've stopped listening, I know I could walk away now and never ever care what happens to any of them.  And I'm actually rather scared to listen to the second half, because I'm frightened that a book that is so stupid and should be so boring can suck me in so completely.

Also, Twilight wins the "Cheesiest Line Ever" award for this bit (about 90-95% accurate, as I'm transcribing from an audiobook):

“‘Aren’t you hungry?’
"'No.' I didn’t feel like mentioning that my stomach was already full … of butterflies.”

I laughed so much at that, I had to pause the audiobook because I couldn't hear it.  Also, I'm amazed that so many people can take seriously a book that actually uses the phrase "alabaster brow" in a serious sentence.  But mostly I'm frightened that it's slowly sucking my brain cells, and I'm powerless to stop it because it's so inexplicably addicting!  Seriously, if iTunes hadn't stopped it automatically, I think I would have just kept listening into the night because I couldn't stop it!  I'm scared, frankly.

So I keep going back and forth on whether or not I should bother reading Twilight.  I keep hearing people talk about it, and the thing is, if everyone either loved or hated it, I would be more likely to read it because I think really good things provoke more extreme emotions (as do really bad things; more on that later).  But the responses from people whose opinions I value are just sort of ... mediocre.  Like, I've heard the plot is good but the writing isn't that great.  And I've heard that Edward is supposed to be basically perfect (physically anyway), which already annoys me because that's so ... fanfic.  And not good fanfic.

Anyway, one of my RL!friends has started reading the series, and she loves it, and was like, "OMG, you totally need to read it, it's fantastic!"  Of course, I wanted to be like, "What do you know?  You've never read Pride and Prejudice.  You've never even read Harry Potter!"  Not like P&P is the end all, be all, or even like I've read a ton of Jane Austen myself.  Okay, so I've only read P&P and Emma.  Whatever.  I still know more about literature than this girl.  More importantly, she's never read HP, which is the same genre (that's right, isn't it?), so I don't really trust her judgment about Fantasy, to be honest.

My main concern with Twilight is that it all sounds too much to me like the new Eragon.  Remember how a few years back everyone was calling Eragon "The New Harry Potter", and Christopher Paolini was going around doing a ton of book signings, and everyone was squeeing over the film coming out and stuff?  Yeah, that's what Twilight is like now.  It's like Twilight is Eragon for girls.  And that's really why I can't decide whether or not to read it.  Because I read Eragon because everyone was into it, and it turned out to be crap.  Utter crap.  And granted, Stephenie Meyer isn't sixteen, which is definitely hugely in her favor, but I don't want to waste my time reading her books if they're crap.

Plus, I've heard Twilight is more a romance series, and I don't really care about romance that much.  I mean, I'm a shipper as much as the next fan, but I prefer shipping on the side.  One of the reasons I love Harry Potter so much is because it managed to be interesting for three books without romance.  And then it managed to be interesting for four books more without romance ever playing the central role.  In fact, the most romance-centric HP book (HBP) is my least favourite, and a huge reason it's my least favourite is because it's so romance-centric.  I don't read Harry Potter for the romance.  I don't read anything for the romance.  That's why I haven't read a lot of Jane Austen.  That's why my favourite book by L. M. Montgomery is A Tangled Web.  That's why I read mostly Fantasy and Sci-Fi and Mystery, because those genres generally don't center on romance.  I enjoy romance subplots, but if the romance is what makes the story interesting, then I don't care about the story very much.  So I don't think I'll care very much about Twilight if it's mostly romance.

*sigh* I guess I should just suck it up and read the first book and decide for myself.  That's what I had to do with Eragon in the end, and more importantly, that's what I had to do with Harry Potter, and obviously Harry Potter completely changed my life.  Not that expect Twilight to change my life like that, because I think HP is the kind of thing that really only comes once a generation, if that.  But you know what I mean.