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trinsyI had Bible study tonight, just as I do every Thursday. I don’t really like it. I don’t get on with the people that well, and I usually don’t agree with the leader. But I have to go, because if I don’t I won’t graduate highschool (long story). So there I was.
Last week we were in 1 Thessalonians, and we got to 1 Thessalonians 5:18 - “No matter what happens, always be thankful.” In another version it said, “Give thanks in all circumstances.” So we were talking about this (well, the others were talking about it. I, being an observer, was listening to them), about how we need to work on it, and I was thinking, “There is no way you can thank God no matter what.” And everyone else was going on about how they need to work on it, and then Christine started telling about how she used to do it, but she needed to get back in the habit of it. She said she would thank God for every little thing, bad or good. She said she’d thank him if she stubbed her toe. Everyone looked very impressed, and Catharine said, “You are amazing.” Which was funny, because I was sitting there thinking, “You are a freak.” But whatever.
Now as you all know from my post before last, in the course of about three days I went from having a huge college grant and two jobs to having no grant and no job. On Monday I found out about the no grant thing, and I cried and cried. And then I picked up this Bible in my mom’s room, and opened it randomly, and it opened in the middle of Psalm 106. This is a really long, really boring psalm that basically recaps the book of Deuteronomy, and is no comfort at all when your life is falling apart. But then I went on to 107, which is all about how these different people had problems and cried out to God and he rescued them. I swear I read from Psalm 107 through Psalm 150 (but in a chronological Bible, so fifteen or so weren't there because they'd been written earlier), and they were all really encouraging, and by the time I was done I felt better, but I was still upset.
The next day I found out about the no job thing just before I went to choir. It was sort of the last straw for me. I was driving to choir and I was like, “God, why? Why is everyone else’s life going fine and mine isn’t? Why is this happening to me?” Then I went and sang Vivaldi’s Gloria, which is really hard to sing when you’re upset, let me tell you! Then I left to go home.
I was driving home and thinking about all that had happened over the past 48 hours, and I was listening to Everybodyduck. First I listening to “You’ve Got The Right Words” and then “Good to Me” came on. And then I remembered Bible study, and 1 Thessalonians 5:18, and how we’re supposed to thank God no matter what. I think a lot of people interperet that to mean that we’re supposed to go, “Well, I can’t go to college, but I do have a nice house, and food on the table, and good family and friends, and...” And that is part of it. But I think if I had sat in my car and rattled off that cliché list, it would not nearly have been as powerful as what I did next. And what I did next was sigh, and give a little shudder, and then say quite sincerely what is, at this point, the most powerful statement I have made in my journey with God:
“God, I don’t know why this is happening. But thank you for this opprotunity to see you work.”
It was kind of surreal, because I’m not the kind of person who makes statements like that. I’m the kind of person who, when things go wrong, goes out and finds someone else who has worse problems, and then goes, “God, thank you that, compared to this person, I have no problems.” But that doesn’t do what the other statement did. Thanking God my problems aren’t as bad as someone else’s just kind of makes me feel guilty. But after I said what I did in the car, I was suddenly - as corny and cliché as this sounds - I was suddenly filled with this overwhelming sense of peace. I haven’t worried about it since. I mean, yeah, right after that I complained about it here, but that was venting. Deep down I know that it’s all okay. I mean, I was skipping around the house yesterday. Skipping! That is how un-worried about this I am.
So I was at Bible study tonight, and for once I actually shared something. I shared about how my life was falling apart, but I thanked God for it. And now my life is still falling apart, but I have a total peace about it. It was funny, because almost all the girls looked at me with that look I know so well, because I wear it all the time. The wow-I-never-realized-how-few-problems-I-have-and-how-small-they-are-thanks-for-putting-things-in-perspective look. It was strange, because I am usually the one giving that look, not on the recieving end. And it was kind of annoying too. Because everyone zeroed in on the my-life-is-falling-apart aspect, but that wasn’t my point. I wanted to be like, “No guys, it’s not about how my life is falling apart! It’s that praising God works! Praise God, guys!” But only a few got that. I guess it would have been more powerful if I’d been able to add that I got a call today awarding me the Cal Grant, but whatever. *shrugs* It was nice though, because they were all really encouraging about it. And for the first time in a long while, I had fun. So that was cool.
Last week we were in 1 Thessalonians, and we got to 1 Thessalonians 5:18 - “No matter what happens, always be thankful.” In another version it said, “Give thanks in all circumstances.” So we were talking about this (well, the others were talking about it. I, being an observer, was listening to them), about how we need to work on it, and I was thinking, “There is no way you can thank God no matter what.” And everyone else was going on about how they need to work on it, and then Christine started telling about how she used to do it, but she needed to get back in the habit of it. She said she would thank God for every little thing, bad or good. She said she’d thank him if she stubbed her toe. Everyone looked very impressed, and Catharine said, “You are amazing.” Which was funny, because I was sitting there thinking, “You are a freak.” But whatever.
Now as you all know from my post before last, in the course of about three days I went from having a huge college grant and two jobs to having no grant and no job. On Monday I found out about the no grant thing, and I cried and cried. And then I picked up this Bible in my mom’s room, and opened it randomly, and it opened in the middle of Psalm 106. This is a really long, really boring psalm that basically recaps the book of Deuteronomy, and is no comfort at all when your life is falling apart. But then I went on to 107, which is all about how these different people had problems and cried out to God and he rescued them. I swear I read from Psalm 107 through Psalm 150 (but in a chronological Bible, so fifteen or so weren't there because they'd been written earlier), and they were all really encouraging, and by the time I was done I felt better, but I was still upset.
The next day I found out about the no job thing just before I went to choir. It was sort of the last straw for me. I was driving to choir and I was like, “God, why? Why is everyone else’s life going fine and mine isn’t? Why is this happening to me?” Then I went and sang Vivaldi’s Gloria, which is really hard to sing when you’re upset, let me tell you! Then I left to go home.
I was driving home and thinking about all that had happened over the past 48 hours, and I was listening to Everybodyduck. First I listening to “You’ve Got The Right Words” and then “Good to Me” came on. And then I remembered Bible study, and 1 Thessalonians 5:18, and how we’re supposed to thank God no matter what. I think a lot of people interperet that to mean that we’re supposed to go, “Well, I can’t go to college, but I do have a nice house, and food on the table, and good family and friends, and...” And that is part of it. But I think if I had sat in my car and rattled off that cliché list, it would not nearly have been as powerful as what I did next. And what I did next was sigh, and give a little shudder, and then say quite sincerely what is, at this point, the most powerful statement I have made in my journey with God:
“God, I don’t know why this is happening. But thank you for this opprotunity to see you work.”
It was kind of surreal, because I’m not the kind of person who makes statements like that. I’m the kind of person who, when things go wrong, goes out and finds someone else who has worse problems, and then goes, “God, thank you that, compared to this person, I have no problems.” But that doesn’t do what the other statement did. Thanking God my problems aren’t as bad as someone else’s just kind of makes me feel guilty. But after I said what I did in the car, I was suddenly - as corny and cliché as this sounds - I was suddenly filled with this overwhelming sense of peace. I haven’t worried about it since. I mean, yeah, right after that I complained about it here, but that was venting. Deep down I know that it’s all okay. I mean, I was skipping around the house yesterday. Skipping! That is how un-worried about this I am.
So I was at Bible study tonight, and for once I actually shared something. I shared about how my life was falling apart, but I thanked God for it. And now my life is still falling apart, but I have a total peace about it. It was funny, because almost all the girls looked at me with that look I know so well, because I wear it all the time. The wow-I-never-realized-how-few-problems-I-have-and-how-small-they-are-thanks-for-putting-things-in-perspective look. It was strange, because I am usually the one giving that look, not on the recieving end. And it was kind of annoying too. Because everyone zeroed in on the my-life-is-falling-apart aspect, but that wasn’t my point. I wanted to be like, “No guys, it’s not about how my life is falling apart! It’s that praising God works! Praise God, guys!” But only a few got that. I guess it would have been more powerful if I’d been able to add that I got a call today awarding me the Cal Grant, but whatever. *shrugs* It was nice though, because they were all really encouraging about it. And for the first time in a long while, I had fun. So that was cool.
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Date: 2006-04-28 05:50 pm (UTC)I love you so, so much.
♥