Have you ever felt like your only comfort was your cage?

So Jazz found out I have an LJ.  She was like, “Oh, I have one too, let’s be LJ friends!”  Which, on the one hand, is really cool, because Jazz is really cool.  But I gave her my old LJ, saying, “I don’t update it much.” (which is true) because, well, it’s just that…

I mean, it’s funny, but my life on the internet and my real life don’t really mix.  I mean, I talk about both of them on my LJ, but I really only talk about my real life because no one in my real life reads it, so I know it’s safe.  I mean, I can vent about it and such, and I know no one is going to be like, “Hey, I read what you wrote about me on your LJ, you jerk!”  Not that I generally write mean stuff about people on my LJ.  At least, I’m pretty sure….  But, you know.  It’s more like I’m brutally honest about myself on my LJ.  Because the people who read it either a.) are related to me and know it about me anyway, or b.) don’t know me in real life, so can’t really judge me.  I mean, my “Introspection” post on Saturday… I guarantee you that none of my friends knows that about me.  They don’t have a clue I’m that scared and vulnerable.  And the post below that, about my dad.  They don’t know I get shaky when he calls; they don’t know that often times the very thought of him makes me break down and cry.  I’m strong about parents’ divorce; I’m emotionless; I’m the girl who hasn’t seen her father in over two years and doesn’t give a damn.

And then there’s the fan fiction thing.  Maybe it’s the fact that writing is so personal to me.  Like I said on Saturday, my characters are so emotional because I repress my own emotions.  How often I’ve longed to throw something at someone; how often I’ve longed to storm out of a classroom; how often I’ve longed to burst into tears in the middle of a crowd; how often I’ve longed to lunge at someone I truly hated.  But I don’t.  I’m calm … controlled … emotionless.  If people could see what goes on inside my head…. Because the person in my head and the person I present to the world are two completely different people.  In my head I’m a hundred times angrier, and meaner, and jerkier; and also a hundred times friendlier, and kinder, and nicer.  Maybe it’s more like in my head I actually have more than one dimension.  I don’t know.

But back to the fan fiction thing.  I don’t really know what it is.  But, in a way, I’m really embarrassed about it.  Like, I really, really don’t want anyone I know to find out I write it.  I mean, it took me like, four months or something to tell my sisters I write it!  I mean, I only started writing it because I was depressed!  How pathetic is that?  I was majorly depressed, and what saved me?  Harry Potter fan fiction!  I don’t care if I know millions of people write and read it, somehow I find that really embarrassing!  I don’t know.  I’m overreacting.

No, that’s not true.  I’m actually reacting.  And in real life, I don’t do that.