![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Sep. 29th, 2008 10:43 pmI tell some people I’m a cynic, and others I’m a realist, but I’m not being honest with either. The truth is, I can’t define what I am. There are some things that I view pretty cynically, and there are others where I’m just like, “Look, that really is the way things are.” But deep down, I have this enduring belief that everything will turn out okay. I know that’s not true. I know some people die miserable and failed and alone. But somehow I can’t rid myself of the belief that everything will turn out okay by the end of the movie. I’m too cynical to be a realist, and I’m too realistic to be an optimist … but I’m too optimistic to be a cynic. I don’t know.
I want to be happy. I want things to be okay. I want to move on. But more than that, I want to be able to cry in more places than my bed and the movie theatre. I want to tell someone how I feel, and not be told that it’s going to be okay, and not be told that I need to change, and not be told that I need to feel something else. I just want, for once, to be honest with someone about how I feel, and have them tell me that it’s okay to feel that way, that I have right to feel that way, that being angry and scared and in pain is valid.
I tell people that I don’t want to go to counseling because I already know why I feel how I feel, and counselors don’t tell you where to go next; that’s partially true. But mostly I don’t want to go to counseling because I don’t want another person telling me I need to change. I know I need to change. I just want someone to tell me that I’m okay how I am right now; I want someone to tell me that it’s okay to feel the way I do right now. I’m not an idiot. I know I can’t be angry forever. But why is it not okay for me to be angry right now?
And people wonder why I internalize! Every time I admit how I’m really feeling, every time I’m truly honest and truly open up, I’m immediately told that my feelings aren’t valid, that lots of people have been there and weren’t as upset as I am, that I need to “get over it”, to change, to move on, to be happier. And so I internalize, and smile, and pretend everything’s okay because that’s what people expect from me and it’s what they want … and then I cry myself to sleep. I have never been told that it’s okay to feel the way I do right now once, in my entire life. Of course I don’t open up to people! Why would I when I always get shot down? Why would I when apparently my feelings are never valid?
I just want someone to look me in the eyes and tell me, 100% sincerely, that what I’m feeling right now is valid and isn’t wrong, and then stop. Not tell me, “It’s okay, but …” “It’s understandable that you’re angry, but …” Not tell me what to do next. I know what to do next. I know to move on from Square One. But why does Square One always have to be wrong? Why can’t I move to Square Two just because that’s the logical progression, and not because Square One is wrong?
I don’t know. Maybe I’m clinging to the anger not because I don’t know I need to let go, but because I truly, deeply believe that I have the right to be angry, and I can’t (or won’t) let it go until I find someone who will tell me that’s true.
I want to be happy. I want things to be okay. I want to move on. But more than that, I want to be able to cry in more places than my bed and the movie theatre. I want to tell someone how I feel, and not be told that it’s going to be okay, and not be told that I need to change, and not be told that I need to feel something else. I just want, for once, to be honest with someone about how I feel, and have them tell me that it’s okay to feel that way, that I have right to feel that way, that being angry and scared and in pain is valid.
I tell people that I don’t want to go to counseling because I already know why I feel how I feel, and counselors don’t tell you where to go next; that’s partially true. But mostly I don’t want to go to counseling because I don’t want another person telling me I need to change. I know I need to change. I just want someone to tell me that I’m okay how I am right now; I want someone to tell me that it’s okay to feel the way I do right now. I’m not an idiot. I know I can’t be angry forever. But why is it not okay for me to be angry right now?
And people wonder why I internalize! Every time I admit how I’m really feeling, every time I’m truly honest and truly open up, I’m immediately told that my feelings aren’t valid, that lots of people have been there and weren’t as upset as I am, that I need to “get over it”, to change, to move on, to be happier. And so I internalize, and smile, and pretend everything’s okay because that’s what people expect from me and it’s what they want … and then I cry myself to sleep. I have never been told that it’s okay to feel the way I do right now once, in my entire life. Of course I don’t open up to people! Why would I when I always get shot down? Why would I when apparently my feelings are never valid?
I just want someone to look me in the eyes and tell me, 100% sincerely, that what I’m feeling right now is valid and isn’t wrong, and then stop. Not tell me, “It’s okay, but …” “It’s understandable that you’re angry, but …” Not tell me what to do next. I know what to do next. I know to move on from Square One. But why does Square One always have to be wrong? Why can’t I move to Square Two just because that’s the logical progression, and not because Square One is wrong?
I don’t know. Maybe I’m clinging to the anger not because I don’t know I need to let go, but because I truly, deeply believe that I have the right to be angry, and I can’t (or won’t) let it go until I find someone who will tell me that’s true.
